Updated: Mar 24
The gift of life, passed to my child
Came with severe conditions.
My gift of life came with a penalty -
I gave my son mortality.
The shadow visits every evening
Infiltrating my consciousness
Stabbing my stomach with taunts
Future pains, loss, sadness, grief
reaches inside my chest and crushes my heart.
What if something happens?
I know something will happen.
Loss is inevitable, I can no longer bear it.
I dug a deep hole and buried myself alive.
I sank deep into the earth.
The underworld was muddy and damp
I descended to the depths of darkness
To a steep ledge above a shadow pool.
A black mirror of death and misery
An abrupt abyss of pain,
lost innocence, fear and uncertainty
My footing slipped and I fell head first
The liquid was cutting and cold
Each time I surfaced, it tugged me back down
When I clawed myself out, a heavy shadow held on to me.
I crawled, naked, cold and muddy back up the roots
And dug myself out from under the tree.
The shadow wrapped tightly around my neck.
I banished it repeatedly, yet it stayed firm.
Loss is inevitable. The fear must be too.
I journeyed six hours with the shadow.
It stayed steadfast and tightly attached.
Leave me be, you deathly spirit!
The shadow whispered hard truths in my ear.
“Yes loss is inevitable, but fear of loss is not.
Your instinct to shelter, protect and shield
Is not allowing your seedling to grow.
Your fear is blocking his life force.
Harsh realities need to be faced alone
Pain, heartbreak, loss and betrayal
Are required for his soul growth”
The shadow assured me continually,
“When you next hug your son, I will join him”
I was sick with fear but could do nothing else.
My boy greeted me in the rain.
Dimples and pyjamas, arms stretched wide.
Our embrace was eternal.
In the dark, damp night, I nursed him tight.
I watched the shadow jump onto my son.
I cried tears of acceptance and realization,
My fear shadow transmuted into strength.
A mother’s agonizing distress and worry
became a fine cloak of freedom and resilience.
Without death, there is no life.
Without shadows, there is no light.
Without heartbreak, there is no purpose.
Grow my son, grow strong with my second gift.
I am no longer afraid of what will be.
You will face hardships. You will face death.
But, you'll face them wearing the cloak of my eternal strength.
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